Wednesday, June 08, 2011

From the vault

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about this blog. Clearly it needs a redesign, but I'm short on cash. And it should probably be moved off of Blogger. And it's probably about time that I buy myself a real URL. And thinking about these things make me think about what I want this blog to be. When I started writing here (nearly six years ago!), I did it very secretly. I didn't want to read anyone else's blog (not that there was anyone else blogging that long ago - pretty much just me and the dinosaurs) and I certainly didn't want anyone reading mine. Over the last few years, I've changed my thinking on the whole no-one-read-these-words-I'm-pushing-out-to-the-whole-of-the-internets stance, but I haven't actively done anything to change it. I'm thinking it might be time.

All this thinking about the future of my blog has made me revisit its past. Tonight I read through some of my earliest (and mostly cringe-worthy) posts. I was startled to see that my first post about The Man was written within a month of starting my blog - startled because that was six years ago and how is it possible that we've known each other that long?!

I informed him of this impossible fact. "We've known each other almost 6-1/2 years!"

"In all that time, you'd think we'd have had more sex," he replied.

Indeed.

Except, of course, we couldn't have had more sex because somebody was busy having sex with someone else. (The Man was the somebody, in case that wasn't clear. And me? I was the piner, for years, loving him from afar. More on that here, for those new to the story.)

A snippet from that ancient post:
Not so long ago I was (dating? seeing? hanging out with?) a guy we'll call The Man. I fell quickly and completely in love. Unfortunately, he was living with his girlfriend when I met him (on December 18th - isn't it weird that I remember the date?). They were engaged a few months later. Now they're married. Lots of tears on my end, but eventually I pulled myself up. Yay me.

For whatever reason, I have this disgusting habit of keeping in touch with - and, dare I say it, remaining friends with - men I've (dated? seen? hung out with?), even the ones I maybe shouldn't. So, The Man came by last night to catch up. Have to admit, the first glimpse of the new ring made my breath catch, and I stood there waiting for the well of emotion, promising myself I wouldn't cry. Stood and waited. Waited a little more. And finally realized that particular well of emotion has run dry. Thank god almighty, I'm free at last.
I've never forgotten the date that we met: December 18, 2004. I made no conscious effort to remember it, but there it is. There it has always been. Free I never was.

1 comment:

BigLittleWolf said...

I certainly haven't been reading you for 6 years. I do wonder, though - had I been more aware of the breadth of the blogging community before I became a participant - how much solace I would have found during some very tough times. And helpful information.

Water under the bridge.

Six years. Pretty amazing. (And I know what you mean about not having the bucks for a redesign, and seeing the evolution of your blog as its needs change, along with our lives.)

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