Wednesday, June 22, 2011

10 reasons I don't follow you on Twitter

1. All you do is retweet.
If you don't have any of your own ideas, I'm not interested. I'll just follow the more interesting people you're retweeting and drop you.

2. You participate in waaaaay too many Tweet-ups.
I don't need my feed filled up with one half of a conversation that I'm not a part of. I'll give you one, maybe two Twitter parties. Maybe more if it's for a good cause, like your Tweet-up is going to rid the world of Glenn Beck or something. In fact, I'll give you as many damn tweet-ups as it takes to rid the world of Glenn Beck. But if you're Twitter partying all over my feed and Glenn Beck isn't out of here? You are.

3. You Tweet in all caps. ALL THE TIME.
I can appreciate a well-timed, all-capped rant. I can NOT appreciate an entire stream of tweets that've been formatted in all-caps FOR NO APPARENT REASON. (Hello, well-timed all-caps rant!) IT LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE EITHER AN ATTENTION WHORE OR YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY MAD AT ME. I DON'T LIKE ATTENTION WHORES AND I CRY WHEN PEOPLE YELL AT ME, SO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I MUST UNFOLLOW. (And now I have a headache from all the shouting.)

4. All your tweets are sponsored.
I can live with an occasional sponsored tweet. We've all gotta earn some cash. I get it. But all of your tweets? No thank you.

5. All you do is promote your blog.
Have a blog? Promote the shit out of it. But say other stuff too. Stuff that doesn't link back to your blog. Or tell me how great your blog is. Or request that I Facebook like your blog's fan page.

6. You don't understand the concept of 140 characters.
Sometimes it's hard to fit it all in. I get it. An occasional abbreviation is okay. But if you have to remove every single vowel in order to make your tweet fit the limit, you should probably rethink your strategy. Like, get a blog. I dnt wnt 2 hv 2 dcifr ur shrthnd.

7. You consistently write multi-tweet tweets.
You do know how Twitter works, right? Our streams show your most recent tweet first. So we're all reading each other's thoughts backwards, essentially. And in between your backwards thoughts are a lot of other people's backwards thoughts. So if you're a habitual multi-tweeter, it's safe to assume that I never have any idea what you're talking about. Again. I know. Sometimes it's hard to fit it all into 140 characters. GET. A. BLOG.

8. You have terrible grammar.
Affect and effect are not interchangeable. Neither are your and you're. Or there and their and they're. Or too and to and two. Or compliment and complement. Also? Spelling matters. And punctuation. We all mess up sometimes. I've thrown out my fair share of incorrect their/ere/ey'res. But you? I don't think you're even trying.

9. Just because you're following me.
I don't follow everyone who follows me. I just don't. And I don't expect everyone I follow to follow me back. You know what? Not everyone thinks I'm interesting. And not everyone thinks you are either. We're all grown ups. I'm not going to clutter up my stream with commentary I'm not interested in just to be polite. Sorry.

10. I forgot.
You followed me. I meant to check out your profile, but The Baby started making that grunting noise. You know the one. And so I had to deal with that. And then he spit up on the couch and knocked the lamp off the end table. Again. And then I sat down and cried because THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS. And then I ate an entire bag of jelly bellies to make myself feel better, because jelly bellies are nice things and I can have them. And then I slipped into a sugar-induced coma. And then I forgot all about you and your profile. True story.


Camille said...

Hahaha, this is all so, so true. I love your honesty!

kirida said...

140 characters is great. It has made me more succinct because I am one wordy mother.

I've been contractually obligated to join a tweetup or to include hashtags and you're right, it can be really annoying to

But I have to say that the two people whose All-Cap tweets I love are: Drunk Hulk and CRANKYKAPLAN.

kirida said...

ack, it posted before I finished..

hashtags are annoying especially when sponsored and I got a lot of flack with my last trip. I get it. I use it sparingly. But you have so many good points!

Queen J. said...

Ha Ha!! Great direct list, love it!! Shoot em' straight!

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