Mothers who choose to return to work after having children are selfish narcissists who value money and status over their own flesh and blood, and who probably shouldn't have had children in the first place if they were just going to hand them over to be raised by day care providers.
Mothers who choose to stay home after having children are lazy, unmotivated women looking for a free ride who spend their days watching movies and getting pedicures, and whose audacity to be satisfied by motherhood alone has set the feminist movement back at least 20 years.
And women who return to work part-time, or who work from home, or who stay home for only a couple of years and then reclaim their previous careers? Well, you people are just too difficult to categorize so we hate you too just to be on the safe side.
Welcome to the world of motherhood where no matter what you choose to do with yourself, it's wrong - a fact made abundantly clear by the reaction to Katy Read's Salon article, "Regrets of a stay-at-home mom." Of course, Read probably expected the shit storm. As The Man pointed out, there are few topics more emotionally charged and polarizing than how women should behave as mothers. But Read put herself in a uniquely vulnerable spot in the debate as a woman who hadn't done what either side wanted her to do. She offended working mothers by opting out of the workforce in the first place, and she offended SAHMs by suggesting that, in the end, staying home had been the wrong choice. And while the commenters raged back and forth, lobbing insults at Read and at each other, the actual point of her essay was nearly lost entirely.
Fourteen years after opting out to focus on her children, Read now finds herself divorced and needing to reenter the workforce, but is finding it extremely difficult due to the gaping hole in her resume (despite the fact that she worked part time during those fourteen years). Her essay was intended to be a cautionary tale to new mothers considering leaving the workforce to focus on kids: it's difficult to jump back in again should you want (or need) to. You will not be able to pick up right where you left off. Your salary and career trajectory will suffer. And, should your situation change - whether through divorce, or a spouse's illness/death/layoff - you may find yourself unable to provide for your children.
Unable to provide for your children. That's a terrifying thought. It need not change your mind about staying home, but it's something that ought to be considered as you debate your options.
In other words, Read has a valid point.
But since so many of the comments devolved into attacks on working mothers who "aren't interested in raising their children," I have something to say:
Not all working mothers want to work; for many, staying home is not an option. Making sure there's enough money coming in the door to put food on the table IS raising your children. But some women are working by choice, and there are any number of reasons they would chose to do so over staying home. I can pretty much guarantee that "I don't love my kids enough" is NOT one of those reasons. Working mothers are busting their asses out there. They work a full day at a busy office where they are probably not being paid what they're worth, and then they come home to cram the same amount of household chores and parenting duties into a fraction of the hours. They have to prove themselves EVERY SINGLE DAY to their employers who are fearful that their commitment to their families will impinge on their commitment to their jobs, and then they have to prove themselves EVERY SINGLE DAY to their families and other mothers (and themselves) who fear that their commitment to their jobs is impinging on their commitment to their families. They perform complex scheduling acrobatics to make sure they devote enough time to their careers and to their families. To even begin to suggest that these women are not raising their children is bullshit. To suggest that these women are not committed to their families is bullshit. To suggest that these women are bad mothers for not sacrificing hard won careers in favor of devoting every minute to the comfort of their children is bullshit. To suggest that the children will be less confident, less intelligent, or any less well-adjusted as a result of mommy's job is bullshit. What they do every day is really fucking hard, and they deserve more than a little bit of credit for being able to pull it off.
And since so many other comments devolved into attacks on SAHMs who are taking the easy road at best and short-changing their gender at worst, I have something else to say:
SAHMs are busting their asses out (or in?) there. They've sacrificed their careers and financial independence to pour everything they have into their kids. They have to prove themselves EVERY SINGLE DAY to their families and other mothers (and themselves) who assume that being "just" a mom means their days are quick and easy, full of smiling babies and celebrity gossip. They spend hours in relative isolation, weathering countless diaper changes, incessant questions, and epic temper tantrums (and yes, smiling babies). They spend entire days devoted to your least favorite things: doing dishes, folding laundry, cooking food that's scorned by fickle taste buds, and pretending to be interested in the minute details of Batman's various weapons. They don't get a salary, sick days, lunch breaks, or vacation days; they don't even often have two hands available to complete any given task. To suggest that these women have an easy free ride is bullshit. To suggest that these women have no ambition is bullshit. To suggest that these women are setting the feminist movement back by decades is bullshit. To suggest that the children will be spoiled by the attention, less independent, or any less well-adjusted as a result of mommy staying home is bullshit. There are obvious perks, but what they do every day is really fucking hard, and they deserve more than a little credit for being able to pull it off.
The fact of the matter is this: the decision to stay home or go back to work is an intensely personal one, based on a number of factors that vary greatly from one family to the next. It is either naive or extremely self-centered to assume that the best choice for your family is the best choice for every other family. Most kids turn out just fine regardless of whether they grow up in a household where mom works or one where she stays home. Better than fine, even. To suggest otherwise is bullshit. And to continue to attack each other's choices as mothers - as women - THAT is what's going to set the feminist movement back by decades.
Letting Them Down
2 days ago