I need a job. There are bills to pay. A mortgage. Gutters to replace. A remodeled kitchen to pay off. Also, food. Food is nice.
But I don't want a job. At least not just any job.
I had an interview yesterday at a graphic design firm, which - if I land it - will have me doing essentially the same thing I did at the last design firm. During the interview, I was asked a question that forced me to spread a thick smile over an involuntary grimace: "What is it about project management that made you select it as your career?"
Seriously? Do people actually wake up one day and think to themselves "Eureka! Self, let's be a project manager when we grow up!"
I shouldn't scoff. I suppose some people do awaken to that epiphany and find it to be a welcome idea. But me? Not so much. Luckily, I has a response polished and waiting to be delivered to answer the question; one that goes on about the analytical part of my brain and how it loves to make out with checklists and schedules and other related bullshit.
Which isn't actually bullshit in that it's technically true. My brain does, in fact, get off on a finely crafted checklist. But an even truer answer would be "Because I need money and I'm only qualified for so many things."
It's true that I'm good at it. I can be one anal, detail-oriented mofo when I need to be. But it's not exactly meaningful work. Of course that doesn't matter right now, because what I need isn't meaningful work. What I need is a job.
The complicating factor here is my boys. If I'm going to ship them off to daycare, I'd like it to be for a worthy cause, and not just another crappy job. (I suppose grocery money is a worthy cause. Paying the mortgage is a worthy cause. But only if you like food and shelter. Whatever. I've no desire to be rational right now.)
It's been a very long time since I had anything resembling job satisfaction. I don't want to be doing what I've been doing. And actively seeking out yet another job that I don't want is more than a little depressing.
I'm not entirely sure why it's hitting me so hard this time. The situation is nothing new. It's never been an option for me to not work. I'm quite used to shipping children off to daycare. It's status quo, and it's always been fine before. So what gives? Just too many years of selling out? Maybe I've simply reached my limit. Maybe it's a keener sense of how quickly my babies are growing up? Maybe it's a keener sense of how quickly I am growing
Whatever it is, now is not the time for it. Not in this economy. Midlife crisis be damned. Momma needs a new (soul-sucking) job! In which case, I should probably stop checking my inbox, hoping for an email rejecting me.