I was at the grocery store squeezing and smelling the produce when I felt a sneeze coming. People don't much like it when you sneeze on the produce, so I quickly replaced the nectarine I'd been fondling and turned my head to sneeze into the crook of my arm. While the head turn meant the nectarines were more or less safe, it landed the heirloom tomatoes right in my line of fire. Turning a bit further, the grapes were at risk.
With nowhere else to turn, I attempted to execute the internal sneeze maneuver. You know the move: you keep your mouth closed and force the "choo" part of the sneeze into a weird little snort behind your sinuses. Your eyes bulge against your closed lids and your ears nearly blow off your head from the pressure. And - if you're pregnant - you maybe pee a little in your pants. Maybe it's more than a little. Not a lot, but maybe definitely more than a little.
It wasn't so much that it could be detected by other shoppers, but it was certainly enough to make me walk funny as I hobbled my way to the bathroom to assess the damage. And there, in the privacy of one tiny bathroom stall, I determined that the damage was enough to warrant taking off my underwear, stuffing them in my purse, and continuing my shopping comando.
And that is what pregnancy is really like.
Revisiting the Bad Mother Manifesto
1 hour ago