Thursday, January 14, 2010

How I really feel

Before my trip to the emergency room, I was having a lot of emotions about my surprise pregnancy. At the base, I was always happy. But piled on top of the happy was some disbelief, money and space worries, concern about The Kid's feelings and reactions, and maybe a little bit of mild panic.

But there was something else: the ever-present feeling that something was going to go wrong.

Because I didn't expect it to last, I didn't really feel pregnant. Or maybe I didn't allow myself to really feel pregnant. As I sat on that hospital bed in the ER, I half expected the doctor to return with the news that I was never even pregnant, and to congratulate me on starting my period. Even after a month of morning (all day) sickness, I still wasn't convinced it was really happening. And at that point it appeared that even if it had been happening, it was swiftly coming to an end.

But then came the ultrasound with its insistently clear flutter of a heartbeat. The Man gasped and I fought against the tears welling behind my lids. A baby. MY baby. In MY womb. Because who's pregnant?

I AM!!

Finally, I really believed.

The next two days were worrisome ones, with nothing to do but wait for a follow-up visit with my OB. The appointment was Tuesday. There was another ultrasound; another view of that stubborn little heartbeat; the kind face of an RN and her reassurance that everything looks perfect.

And now, I no longer feel like something's going to go wrong. It might, I suppose. I'm not out of the first trimester "danger zone" yet. But I'm no longer walking around with a constant tug of fear in my gut.

Now I feel happy, excited, and calm, despite the looming cash flow shortage and lack of an extra bedroom. We will find a way to make it work. And we will live happily ever after in the crowded home we've created.


Juggle Jane said...


What an amazing start to the New Year!

BigLittleWolf said...

Life's little miracles. That are big.

Big Little Miracles.

Noodle said...

Great news!

Not a soccer mom said...

Congratulations to you.
Little surprises are the best

adrienzgirl said...

So exciting! Congrats!

Nicki said...

Not crowded! Think of it as over-flowing with love! If I were Mir, I'd come up with a clever Love Thursday name for it like...Love Makes Room...

So glad that things are better. Thinking of you!

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Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

Then I'm sure everything will be fine. Same with me. I had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my first, and I never really felt pregnant, and I didn't feel it would last, and it didn't. Same with the miscarriage between my 2nd & 3rd son. Just never felt like it was going to happen. When I fell pregnant after both miscarriages though, I just knew. I knew it would be ok, even after the initial concern I felt.

I think we have instincts about this sort of thing. You, and Bubs, will be fine!

Congrats again.

Momma Sunshine said...

*hugs* to you

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