Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Letting go

My grandmother died this morning.

She died, and I am not sad.

Not being sad makes me sad.

You can read a bit about her here. I could tell you more. I could tell you of her habitual lies, her manipulations, her guilt-tripping, her perpetual role as victim. I could tell you how she looked to her children to care for her, when they were literally still children. I could tell you that when her eldest son (my father) died, she lost the only source of income she'd known for decades. I could tell you that she never got a job because "it's really hard to get up in the morning." I could tell you that she never took an ounce of responsibility for the havoc she wrecked on her children's lives.


I could also tell you that I don't know much of my grandmother's life beyond what I witnessed myself or was told by my father. I could tell you that her mother was the kind of crazy that doesn't even exist anymore, thanks to the modern world of pharmaceuticals. I could tell you that she was married to a viciously abusive man. I could tell you that she left that man and was disowned by that crazy mother for doing so (Catholics just don't do divorce). I could tell you that she later got knocked up by a man who disappeared as soon as he heard the news. I could tell you that she was a single mom to three children without any support from her family.

Who am I to judge?

Once upon a time, she was somebody's newborn baby; somebody's best friend; somebody's girlfriend, wife, mother. And though I never experienced it, it's impossible for me to believe that there wasn't some pure goodness in her somewhere.

May her troubled spirit sleep in peace, and may her surviving children put old wounds to rest with her body.


Nicki said...

It's hard losing someone. It's even harder if you feel guilty over not feeling a sense of loss. Don't beat yourself up too much.

Thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

i felt very much the same, when my grandmother died, except she was a jewish grandmother - I truly believe they do the best they can with what they have, and unfortunately sometimes it seems to be very little - but once they are gone, we can only hope they find peace and are undamaged again as they were when they were born.

MindyMom said...

Well said. I can imagine feeling very similar to what you have expressed here at the passing of some of my close relatives who, because of continued toxic behaviors, I ceased contact with.

adrienzgirl said...

Peace is a funny creature. It comes to everyone with a different circumstance. Hopefully hers and yours, and your families will come together as one.

T said...

WOW. What a tribute.

Single Mom Seeking said...

This really hit home for me. I'm working right now on understanding my family's past -- with empathy. Anger and disappointment is there, too. I get it.

2 Kids 3 Martinis said...

Wow. I'm sorry.
This post, I don't know, hit a chord with me. You just described my sister.
Painfully, beautifully written...thanks for sharing and bless you...

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