Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Money, sex, and constipation

I was raised a vegetarian by my mother, a fact that infuriated my step-mother. I'm not sure why she cared. I happily picked around meat in my meals, so she didn't even have to alter her dinner plans. But she hated me, or my mom, or grain - I don't know which, really - and she simply could not abide a vegetable-eating freak in her home.

And so she force fed me meat while my dad was wasn't around to stop her. I probably don't need to tell you what happens when a 4-year-old's vegetarian intestines are filled with large quantities of meat every-other weekend. Let's just say I was returned to my mother each Sunday a very, very full girl.

Of course, this cycle of severe constipation was quickly traced back to my step-mother. But rather than cease and desist turning me into a human sausage, she tried counteracting her actions by putting bran in everything I ate. Pancakes, soup, sandwiches, salads, everything. It was even sprinkled ON TOP OF THE MEAT. But the worst was the water. Each morning she would fill a tall plastic Tupperware cup with warm water and stir in spoonfull after spoonfull of bran. And then she'd stand over me and smile while I struggled to choke it down.

Water still makes me a little squeamish.

Which is why when Single Mom Seeking asked how much water her readers are drinking, I had to confess that I'm not drinking nearly enough. And that little confession won me $50!

Almost makes up for all that bran.

After reviewing the endless list of things I want, I thought this bedside carafe would be an appropriate way to spend some of my prize, in keeping with the theme of the contest.

I've been wanting one for a while. Why? When The Man gave me permission to speak freely about him on this blog, I'm pretty sure he just wanted me to tell you how awesome he is in bed. Someday, I'll tell you about the time his lovin' made me pass out. In the meantime, it should suffice to say that water at the bedside will be a requirement after his arrival in Seattle next month. We will be thirsty.

I've actually been searching for one for quite some time with a cup that fits inside the carafe when in the lid position. Seems less drippy that way.

And that's how Single Mom Seeking helped my health and my sex life. Thanks, Single Mom Seeking!


T said...

What a freakin' awesome post! And what a story... sheesh. That gives a whole new meaning to the term, evil step-mother. Holy crap!

Yeah, water at the bedside is um... a must.

Tee hee!

I'll be posting my own "lovin" story tonight. Cause I'm a little naughty like that.


Barry said...

Note to self: check if she puts water at her stand next to bed.......

Single Mom Seeking said...

Love it! Oh, I'm laughing hard... as a woman who also has to have water by her bedside table.

The carafe idea is so perfect -- because it's just right for two! Brilliant.

Lovebabz said...

Ha Ha hA! That was hillarious! Glad you survived the carnivore step-mother...YIKES!

I love Single Mom Seeking....so I am glad you won! A bedside carafe is way cool! I feel inspired!

the prisoner's wife said...

Yikes @ having to eat all that meat. I mean, I'm a meat eater, but CLEARLY she was doing way too much. and then the brand. yuck.

glad you're not scared for life LOL

Bobbi Janay said...

Holy cow why would she do that to you?

Anonymous said...

Funny !!!!

-the meat eating sadistic stepmother

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