Sunday, May 17, 2009

This is what single-motherhood does to a person

Here is my fridge. Ooh. Aah.

There is usually more food in it. At the time this photo was taken, I could have offered you lettuce, tortillas, two kinds of juice, apple sauce, assorted fruit, salsa, black olives, yogurt, several kinds of cheese, Chinese herbs, Gatorade, milk, various condiments, butter, mineral water or, of course, a Rainier. There was also somebody's forgotten hard lemonade in there, but I must've already poured it down the drain. Because, really? Ew.

But the contents of my fridge is not the point. The point is what's missing.

To the right of the Rainier, there is supposed to be a giant sticky brown puddle. And, though you might not be able to make it out, there is a very small grate on the bottom shelf that leads into the drawers below. Inside and behind those drawers, there should be smaller puddles: run off from the larger pond above. And, since the the sticky brown substance originated on the top shelf, there should be remnants on both wire shelves of the chocolate waterfall that once was.

No other refrigerator in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall.*

What happened to the puddle, you ask? I cleaned it up. And then I took a photo of the place where the puddle is not.

Why, you ask? Because that spill took place over two years ago, when The Kid knocked over a nearly full can of Hershey's chocolate syrup. I've been trying to get around to cleaning it ever since. In the meantime, I'd been covering it with undesirable refrigerated items (hard lemonade, for example) whenever people came over, in the hopes my friends wouldn't see the filth in which I live and raise my child. The fact that it is finally cleaned up demands a photo.

While I was at it, I also emptied out the refrigerator (and the freezer) and scrubbed the whole thing down. You'd be amazed at what hides in those nooks and crannies.

Or maybe you wouldn't. Because you're probably the sort of person who sanitizes and reorganizes her refrigerator every few months, aren't you? So you know exactly what hides in those nooks and crannies, don't you? Do you also know how much I hate you? I'll bet you alphabetize your spice rack. Freak.

*Please tell me you get that reference. If you don't, I'm not sure we can be friends anymore. Maybe we weren't friends anymore anyway, since I just told you that I hate you and called you a freak. Please don't hold it against me. It took me two years to clean a simple spill. And I was so excited, I took a picture. If this was the state of your life, wouldn't you be bitter and resentful too? But seriously. Stop alphabetizing things long enough to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

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