Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Psychoanalyze this

Call them inspiration. Call them girl crushes. In roughly chronological order, I wanted to be - or be like - each of these women.

1. Sleeping Beauty.
This one was all about the hair I think. Isn't it pretty? All long and flowing and the most lovely shade of... um... tangerine?

2. Debbie Harry.
After my parents split, my mom and I moved to New York with her musician boyfriend. I desperately wanted to play in his band, but I thought girls were relegated to tambourines and recorders. The boyfriend promptly put me on drums and introduced me to Debbie Harry, planting a seed that would grow into a mighty oak of desire to be a sweaty blond rocker chick. At three years old, I was certain that Detroit 442 was the greatest song ever recorded.

3. Daphne.
By now I was old enough to have moved beyond princesses, but apparently not animation. I was also old enough to have lost my formerly golden locks to deplorable mousy brown ones, and I was not taking it well. (Daphne vs. Thelma. Need I say more?) So, once again, I was taken by long flowing hair roughly the same shade as a cold glass of Tang.

4. Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman.
Oh Wonder Woman, how I loved thee. You fought injustice and sought truth with your odd little lasso. You had an invisible jet and surprisingly sturdy wrist cuffs. You could change from day to evening wear with nothing more than an awkward little twirl. You came with underroos (though, much to my disappointment, the underroos tank top was not nearly as sexy as your bustier). But mostly, you were hot and BRUNETTE. God bless you, Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman. You and the 'merican flag you've got yourself stitched into.

5. Cyndi Lauper.
I was a ridiculously shy kid. At a time when I was desperate to blend in but secretly dying to stand out, there was Cyndi Lauper being so unusual.

6. Madonna.
I wanted her hair, her clothes, and her attitude. Let's be honest, people. Any woman who can wear that much rubber is worthy of your respect.

7. Drew Barrymore.
When I was little and still blond, my step-mom used to tell me that I looked like "that ugly little fat girl from E.T." But I thought she grew up to be quite lovely, and I hoped that I would too.

8. Alyssa Milano.
As a pre-teen, I was still certain that blonds were prettier. I needed someone attractive with brown hair and brown eyes to look up to. Thankfully, the 80s loved Alyssa Milano.

9. Lisa Bonet.
Mmmm, Lisa Bonet. She had that certain je ne sais quoi, and I wanted to have it too.

10. Kylie Minogue.
Oh, Kylie. Is that a hat? Or did someone crack your own album over your head? Either way, I was certain that this was the coolest thing I'd ever seen done with hair. EVER. Especially that straight-off-the-curling-iron curl at her neck. Way to Aqua Net that one.

11. Paula Abdul.
Dear god, THIS is the woman who inspired me to be a dancer.

12. Winona Ryder.
Isn't pre-clepto Wino cute? For a time I wanted to be sarcastic and quirky like the characters she played. Then I wanted her boobs. Then I just wanted to be her elbows so I could rub with the likes of Ethan Hawke and Christian Slater and Johnny Depp.

13. Isadora Duncan.
In my college years, I left Paula behind in favor of more serious dancers like Isadora Duncan. During a time of corsets and petticoats, she chose to wear Grecian robes sans underthings, bear children out of wedlock, engage in lesbian escapades, and otherwise romp around in a most unladylike fashion.

14. Kate Beckinsale.
For a moment, I wanted to be prim and proper. Then I decided it looked horribly boring. And horribly bony.

15. Kate Hudson.
I never actually wanted to be Kate Hudson. I just really wanted this dress.

16. Tina Fey.
Who doesn't want to be a sexy librarian? A funny sexy librarian?

17. Jennifer Connolly.
She seems smart and calm, like a master Jedi. Only hotter.

18. Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Admit it. You want to squeeze her cheeks and steal her dress.

19. Regina Spektor.
I have secretly always wanted to sing and play the piano, but only if I could also be endearingly quirky and cute as a button. Sadly, that job has already been filled.

20. Zooey Deschanel.
Again with the cute and quirky. I just can't get enough. I look at her and wonder what she's thinking. I wonder if she prefers cool ranch or nacho cheesier Doritos. I wonder if she wants to be my friend. But mostly, I wonder where her nipples have gotten off to.

21. Sarah Palin
Hold up, you guys. She can see Russia FROM HER HOUSE! And I think she's going to be able to talk God into building her a pipeline. Let's all have lots of baby girls and raise them to be just like her.


T said...

Ok, we could so totally be best pals.

I too remember loving certain stars simply because they were brunette. It seemed like blonde was the thing to be when I was a teen. I was so not and never would be blonde.

I too love strong women. Quirky women. Cute women.

Great post. Thank you for pointing it out to me.

Devilish Southern Belle said...

I remember wanting to be Daphne, too! And Lisa Bonet....that woman is still hot!

And I love Zooey! I covet her hairstyle, but it never looks right on me. If I keep getting it cut that way, it will eventually look really cool on me too, right?

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