Sunday, June 15, 2008

And so it comes to this

It's finally happened, the event I've been expecting for at least the last 12 months. The sight of all the dandelions in my grass, next to all my neighbors' perfectly manicured lawns, was enough to send me over the edge. And I totally lost my shit. I suck. I can't do it. Life is too hard. Game over.

You know the drill.

It was inevitable, really. I know I've been spreading myself far too thin for far too long. My friends tried to warn me; my body, with its incessant sickly protests, tried to warn me. But I am stubborn and I'll be damned if a solid six months of colds and flus is going to be enough to convince me that I need help taking care of myself. If there is one thing I despise in this world, it is an otherwise capable person who can't - or won't - take care of himself. And I, apparently, would prefer to lose my mind trying to do it all, than to consider for a second that maybe sometimes I could use a little help.

And so yesterday I did just that: I completely, utterly, totally lost my mind. I screamed, I yelled, I threw things. (Then I stopped throwing things because I was only allowing myself to choose safe things to throw, like socks and balled up paper towels, and it was completely unsatisfying. Not to mention ridiculous enough to risk making me laugh, and me having a breakdown should be no laughing matter.) And then I gave into the crying. And I cried - I shit you not - for the next 12 hours. And not just a simple boo-hoo kind of crying, but full body sobs, lying on the floor sobs, ab workout sobs, almost make me puke sobs.

I woke up this morning feeling a little better, but I've not gathered up all my marbles yet, so I ask that you bear with me while I pull myself together. I will not be answering my phone for a while, because attempting to speak makes the crying start all over again. And I won't be leaving the safety of my home except to go to work, because the sight of people doing anything - functioning - is enough to get me going again. Especially when they do something so brash as say hello.

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