Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Dear Everybody,

I am not ignoring you. I've been sick. Yes, again. Yes, it is irritating. Yes, I am beginning to feel better. Thank you for asking.

I'll call soon. I promise.


Dear Mom,

You always told me that someday I would have my own television remote to break. Now I'm stuck watching the God channel. I hate it when you're right.


Dear Automobile,

It is clear from the gas gauge that you still have in your possession one quarter of a tank of premium gasoline. I appreciate your diligence, but it's probably not quite time to turn on the gas light.

Thank you,

Dear Local Oil Company,

I'm sure this is a rough time for you. My guess is your customers are dropping like flies, which is exactly what I would do if I could afford the cost to upgrade my furnace and switch fuel sources. That will likely take about $10,000 that I don't have. And since I don't have $10,000 to swap out my furnace, it should stand to reason that I don't have $10,000 to pay for you continuously topping off my oil tank. If you think I haven't noticed that you've come twice as often this year, you're wrong. Stop it.


P.S. Fuck you.

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