Thursday, May 18, 2006

Toothless Joe Jackson

The Kid lost his first tooth last night proving once again that he is advanced for his age. I chastised him harshly. No one likes a show off, and no kid of mine will be maturing months ahead of his peers. We strive for mediocrity in this household. Conformity is key. He promises to keep the remainder of his teeth until other children his age start losing theirs.

But, since it happened, I decided we might as well celebrate it. We took lots of pictures, and I had my first tooth fairy experience. It wasn't until The Kid looked at me like I'd taken the fast train to CrazyLand that I realized just how asinine the idea is of a fairy sneaking into children's bedrooms at night to pay for their used teeth. If anyone has the answers to the following questions, please send them my way: Is the tooth fairy little like TinkerBell, or big like Glinda (the good witch of the north)? How does she get in our house? Why does she need a bunch of teeth? Does she have a mouth? Doesn't she have her own teeth? What the fuck?

The going rate for teeth these days is a buck a tooth. I told The Kid to put his crisp dollar bill in his piggy bank immediately and start saving for his future orthodontia work. Note the location of the new adult tooth:

It decided to come in well behind its assigned spot. I'm hopeful that now that the baby tooth is out of the way, the permanent tooth will reevaluate the choices it's made thus far, sober up, and work to get its life back on track. It sounds nice, but I'm doubtful. Upon seeing the location of this new tooth, I was overwhelmed with a guilt similar to that I suspect I'd feel if I'd passed on a heroin addiction. If he has been blessed with what my dentist refers to as my "teeny tiny jaw," his elementary years will be filled with extractions, braces and head gear (the work of which will all be undone later in life when a brash wisdom tooth bullies its way into an already overcrowded mouth.) My dentists are still trying to convince me to expand my jaw, which - just for the record - would involve breaking it. On purpose. Because that's a sane thing to do.

For now, I will relax and enjoy his gappy smile. And save my money. Lots and lots of money...

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