Monday, January 23, 2006

Slapstick comedy at its finest

I sliced up an orange for The Kid's dessert. (Yes, that counts as dessert in my house. Why would I give him cookies when he's perfectly happy with an orange?) Then I sliced up an orange for my own dessert. Instead of stuffing an entire wedge into my mouth like The Kid, I decided to eat mine daintily. I ever so carefully worked back the edges of the peel, and gently coaxed the juice from the left half of my wedge. This caused a chain reaction of liquid shifts within the pulpy orange flesh, which ultimately resulted in a steady stream of orange juice shooting directly into my right eye.

As soon as it hit, I started running (actually, first I started laughing... then I started running) for the sink to flush it out, knowing that I had mere milliseconds before the razor-sharp teeth of acidic fruit juice started gnawing on my eyeball. I got about halfway across the kitchen before I was doubled over in pain, spewing forth obscenities like Colin Farrell with a bad case of Tourettes. (But still laughing, of course.)

As funny as my own reaction must've been, The Kid's reaction was entirely hysterical:

-SHIT!
-What happened, Mom?
-FUCK! Oh my GOD that hurts!
-What's the matter?
-AAAAAHHHHH!
-Are you okay?
-FUUUUUUCK! AAAHH! HOLY CHRIST, MAKE IT STOP!!
-MOM! CALM DOWN AND TELL ME WHAT'S THE MATTER!
-MY EYE!
-Did it fall out?
-No. OWWWWWW! There's orange juice in it.
-Oh. You should be more careful.
-AAAAHHH! FUCKSHITFUCK!
-Don't worry, Mom. I'll get it out. [begins whacking the back of my head]
-OW! That's not helping.
-Try taking deep breaths.
-AAAH! I need some -- EEEEEEE!
-Boo! BOO! RAAAAAHR!! [a move I can only assume was meant to scare the juice out of my eye]
-WATER!

I finally reach the bathroom, flush my eye, and stop screaming long enough to realize that The Kid is jumping on the couch and yelling, "Someone call 991! Someone call 991!" over and over.

What a pair we make. At least I know I can count on him in a crisis to try everything he can think of, and then - when push comes to shove - to dial the wrong number.

3 comments:

jacque said...

Ooohh - a kindred spirit - last night as I was peeling ginger I got a stream of that in my eye - UNDER MY CONTACT. I cursed Rachel Ray for 45 minutes straight.

Angry Dissenter said...

Wow- that's the hardest I've laughed all week . . .

Lisa said...

That's just plain lovely.. laughed so hard!

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